The First Day of the Year

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Today is the first day of the year.  There’s only one first day of the year.  It is an annual event and it is not a matter of what youknow or who you are or where you are or even (thankfully) why you are. Today is everyone’s first day of the year. Well maybe not this very instant butin certain time zones, for sure. This morning I have taken my medication, eaten a baked potato, let the dogs outside, twice.   Luna barks every time someone comes to the front door and I yell at her to stop. Mom said “when Luna barks at the door, that’s her job, she’s a DOG.” Live and let live. I’d like to write a song today, I’d like him to come over to watch the game, I’d like to go for a walk and all of that makes me feel like I’m going to throw up.  And I might.  Why, you may ask, am I  99.7% cancer free ANDnauseous?  Thank God for my counselor Sara because there is a shit load of processing I have to go through.  Where is my printer? When will my puppy be potty trained? Maybe he just doesn’t love me., That can’t be true. That makes me cry.  Like talking to the Dad who told you he loved you, but you knew, he didn’t know you. A gentle reminder to you, gentle reader, I am writing for my own good. I’m not trying to tell or teach you any single thing. I show up here on Day One of the New Year, 2010. Sometimes I cry. This may really be it. I need something I’m not getting. period. Time to make a change. I just can’t really LIVE like this. My life feels worse and better than it ever has, on the same day. Day One. Today is the day to live up to my resolution to write 500 words a day and I’m only halfway done with today’s post? Eke. Faster, faster, faster it goes. Go, Go, Go. Now I know why real writers don’t want you to see any shitty first draft they ever wrote.  Goddamn. I have 147 more words to go.  I almost flunked out of high school geometry and were it not for the balding, pudgy, commandeer Mr. Casey who worked all afternoon, the last day of school, so that I could actually “Graduate” who for heaven sakes knows what turn life would have taken. I feel like we’ve already broken up but I’m the last to know. Is it time to reevaluate our relationship? Do you miss me? Are you seeing someone else? Do you still love me? I’m sorry for how hard it was. Chrimson Cloverin the shedtackled to the hillwhere you’ll be buriedwhen you’re deadwith no more time to kill. my stomach really hurts and it’s hard to see and I’m afraid.