Maybe This Will Be A Way

Having heard that my Doctor’s would like me to have a second transplant (assuming they can find a donor) I picked up a book given to me years ago by Shelly.  In addition to asking me to walk, unadulterated, every day for twenty minutes, it asks me to answer the following questions everyday. Today:1. What’s happening with my body? My skin is peeling off. It feels like I’m sunburned. I can’t hear well out of my left ear. My skin is itchy. I feel fatigue. I put Vaseline all over my body including my face. I have no sense of smell or taste. I’m thirsty. I have not thrown up or had loose stool today.2. How am I feeling emotionally? Sad. Scared. Happy. Lucky.3. When I let my thoughts wander, what do I find myself thinking about? My last relationship with a man. The last three years and the fact that it isn’t over. The future and whether or not I will live as long as my dogs. What if I die and my mom has to live the rest of her life without me? Why can’t I die later when I’m ready? Maybe I will. What is the difference between denial and faith? How do I live these days? My past and what I did and did not accomplish.4. Who did I connect with today? It is 4:07pm in the afternoon on Thursday. Thorne Ann hugged me for a long time. I cried. I called Gia and she picked up the phone to talk, I cried. I talked to Dave and we’re having lunch tomorrow and we talked for a minute and, I cried. I don’t think I really want to talk too much about this whole thing. Hence the blog. Maybe this will be a way for me to stay connected to the wonderful world of people I’ve come to know.5. What gave me a sense of peace? Writing these answers and reading the newspaper including the story of two brothers who both died last night in an accident involving them running into each other, head on somewhere along Highway 30, the girlfriend of one of the brothers was killed. Needless to say, it helps to remember that it could be worse.Written 7/18/2010