Without Regret

5/14/2011I slept all day yesterday soundly and without regret. One of my eyes sees far away just fine. The other is a blur. I didn’t realize the reality of having to wear glasses for the rest of my life until just this last few weeks. Sometimes it feels like being honest about how I’m feeling is a waste of everyone’s time. My hands look like the hands of an old lady. My vanity lives uncompromised in this body full of deadlines and power outages. The sun has set to sincerely shine and it is three days from the middle of May. I have a list of potentially daunting tasks to do today including the planting of seeds in the little places they are going to start to grow. The stacks of edits from Leslie sit patiently next to this laptop on the dining room table. Other tasks for today include playing guitar, trimming my fingernails, working on guitar, playing drums and reading.What is it that I’m doing with my life? I don’t have to work because of my illness. I would like to make enough money to constitute “working” but then I wonder, what would that look like? How would that be different than today?  Feeling abandoned is a part of my life and I don’t think I’m alone in this realization.  Often times, I feel alone. Sometimes I even feel delightfully alone. But then the voice comes calling with questions like, “What the hell are you doing with your life, woman?” How long will I live? Will I love again? Be loved again? If not, what does that say about me? Anything at all? Why this perception that everyone else is so much happier than I am? My poodle Sadie is looking at me from next to the table, pawing her arm on my arm – I think she wants some love. Just like me.