Last Day in Manzanita

The foul temper that I’m in puts a pit in my stomach a mile long. That makes no sense. Mom expressing how worried she is about me makes me feel angry and guilty all at the same time. I wish I was driving myself home. I wish I could just spend some time alone. She appears as though she is tolerating everything and then I find her sitting teary at the table. Under all of this is the answer to the  question, am I going to live or am I going to die. The answer being of course I’m going to die. Everything dies. Which begs the question, what does it mean to die? Your body stops. Where does your soul go? When I start to think of writing lyrics I feel a wave of “I’m so cheesy” flush across my mind. I need more independence. Not need, want. More freedom. More lightness in being. I’m eating an apple. I drank an Ensure mixed with chocolate milk. Easy eats – shakes, nuts, fruit. I want more control (don’t we all). I do often feel like closing my eyes and laying my head down. Fatigue. What a bitch. Written August 4, 2011.We left Manzanita and went to Neahkanee Mountain where she hiked as far as she could.